The permission slip I didn’t know I needed
Mother's Day was sublime.
The pace (slow), the activities (croissant from the Italian bakery with espresso, a neighbourhood stroll to pick blossoms for an art project and seaside lounging with champagne).
Simple. Luxurious. Full of delight and pleasure.
This is my inner maiden.
My heart of whimsy.
Sometimes I look at pictures of myself or observe my life as a witness and I marvel...
I have become the woman I so desperately wanted to be, underneath.
She was birthed in fits and spurts...
Across a decade and more of marriage, new motherhood and multiple business ventures.
Between friendship loss and reconstruction of faith.
Amidst mental fragility and emergencies of health.
All of it helping me shed old layers of being, let go of what's not working, and zero in on what I truly want from my life and how I want to feel.
It hasn't come easy.
I'm just now receiving the message that my struggle is not a reflection of human deficiency - but of life as it is:
difficult--
a school we call earth.
One I'm doing well at, if I'm honest, all things considered.
I've alchemized the shit out of the hard stuff and I'll continue to.
It's just my nature.
But, I'm choosing a new way.
New thoughts.
New structure -- much thanks to Covid and the global shelter in place.
It offered me a ticket off the hamster wheel and a chance to stay....
A permission slip I desperately wanted, but didn't realize how badly I needed, until now.
These past two months have been a gift - first bumpy, then deeply nourishing.
It took our family awhile to adjust to eight-hundred-square-feet-for-three and ALWAYS being around each other.
We got creative -- because we had to-- making use of walks and blessed doors.
I'm so grateful we live by water and trails mere steps away.
I got to experience "Hawaii" in my everyday life -- that code word I've been chasing for years, representing a state of being, unlocked in me while on vacation:
Awe.
Play.
Presence.
Freedom.
Joy.
Confidence.
So. Much. Delight.
Get-to's, rather than have-to's.
This juncture in life feels exciting and It's been ages since I could say that on all levels of my being.
The best is truly ahead.
Not because of some grandiose achievement or platform or client list, but because of the slow and savoured life I'm choosing...
not by circumstance or in fear and desperation, but by conscious, love fuelled choice.
I'm no longer conflicted with the weight of calling.
Not taunted by some standard of potential.
I'm not scared to forfeit the hustle.
My dreams remain, but the means and mantle look different.
I'm choosing rest.
I'm choosing play.
I'm choosing joy, freedom and creativity -- everyday.
Not just some days or on vacation, but as my LIFE, here and now.